What if attractiveness wasn’t about how you look, but about how deeply you live inside your body?
In our latest episode of If You Have Feelings, host Rae Thomas sits down with Nicole Garfunkel (aka @styling_confidential) to talk about embodiment, identity, and what it really means to feel at home in your body, even when the world keeps telling you to perform, perfect, or shrink.
Nicole gets honest about her journey from outsourcing her worth to aesthetics, to slowly learning how to anchor into how she feels, not just how she appears.
Before We Dive In
Before you jump into Nicole’s episode, listen to our short minisode called “I’m Feeling: Embodied.”
In it, we unpack:
- What embodiment actually means (beyond the superficial bullsh*t)
- Why so many of us disconnect from our bodies (no, you’re not alone)
- How embodiment relates to shame, appearance, attraction, anxiety, and survival (hello fashion industry)
Listen first, because it will give you the language and foundation to go deeper with what Nicole shares next.
🎧 Listen to the I’m Feeling: Embodied minisode on →
When Fashion and Shame Collide
Fashion is supposed to be fun. But somewhere between low-rise jeans, filtered faces, and the algorithm’s favorite body type, style became less about clothing and more about contortion.
Embodiment doesn’t mean you suddenly adore every angle of your reflection, and Nicole describes it perfectly:
“The more you can be in spaces like that where you feel really comfortable and you feel like you can express yourself that way, the more embodied you feel. And, you know, with getting dressed in fashion, like there's so much shame.”
You know what we’re talking about. You tug at your shirt, rehearse how to hide your stomach in photos, and say it’s “just not my style” when really, it’s shame. Because unhealthy, unrealistic beauty and fashion standards told us we should feel that way.
How Personal Values Get Involved
The clothes we choose signal what we care about: comfort, sustainability, power, belonging, control. That’s why using personal values as a compass for how we show up (yes, even in how we get dressed) matters. It’s less about curating a perfect closet and more about asking, Does this support the life I’m trying to live?
“The thing that I really like to use in order to kind of make it feel like a more holistic, intentional part of your life is using personal values as a way to kind of like drive what you're going to wear. And it doesn't always have to be so literal. It can just be like influenced by. But I think it's important for your clothes to support the things that you believe in, the things that you want to do with your life.”
Maybe that’s choosing sneakers because you value movement. Maybe it’s wearing loud patterns because you refuse to be or feel small. Maybe it’s choosing sustainable brands because you care about the planet.
If you’re thinking, “Values sound great, but I couldn’t name mine if my life depended on it,” that’s fair. Most of us weren’t taught how to identify what matters to us.
That’s exactly why we made our Values Deck. Not to be inspirational. Just to give you a tangible way to sit down, sort through the noise, and figure out what you actually stand for.
Reflection Questions for You
We will never promise that our prompts will fix you. But they will absolutely remind you to drop your shoulders from your ears (and take all the space you need).
- When was the last time you actually felt your body instead of judging it?
- Have you ever mistaken appearance for acceptance?
- What version of you feels the most free, and what are they wearing, doing, or feeling in their body?
- What would it look like to be attractive on your own terms?
About Nicole Garfunkel
Nicole Garfunkel (she/her) is a trauma-informed Personal Stylist, helping you use fashion as a tool for showing up fully in your life in eating disorder recovery. Her approach goes beyond aesthetics. It's about aligning your personal style in a way that feels authentic, empowering, and effortless, without changing your body for the sake of “looking stylish.”
Follow on Instagram, visit the website, and check out her inclusive brand directory.
