Guilt has a way of disguising itself as responsibility, loyalty, or “just being a good person.” And for a lot of us, it’s been there for as long as we can remember.
In our latest episode of If You Have Feelings with Pearl Velasquez, to talk about guilt. Not the obvious kind (like when you actually do something wrong), but the heavier, quieter guilt that shows up when you say no, set a boundary, rest instead of showing up, or stop carrying what was never meant to be yours.
Before We Dive In
Before tuning into this conversation, start with our short minisode on feeling guilty. We talk about what the kind of guilt that lives in your body, the kind that gets passed down, and the kind that convinces you to stay quiet, keep the peace, or prioritize everyone else. Even at your own expense.
🎧 Listen to the I’m Feeling: Guilty minisode on →
Guilt Isn’t Always About Doing Something Wrong
One of the most important distinctions Pearl makes is between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt.
Healthy guilt serves a purpose. It helps us recognize when we’ve acted out of alignment with our values. Such as when we’ve hurt someone, crossed a boundary, or done something that doesn’t sit right internally. It guides repair.
Unhealthy guilt, on the other hand, shows up when:
- You say no to rest and feel bad about it
- You set a boundary and feel like you’re doing something wrong
- You prioritize yourself and feel selfish for doing so
This kind of guilt isn’t about morality. It’s about conditioning.
Generational Trauma & the Guilt We Inherit
Also, guilt is rarely created in isolation.
For many people, it’s passed down through:
- Family dynamics where silence was expected
- Cultures where saying no was equated with disrespect
- Households where love felt conditional
- Systems where survival required self-sacrifice
Generational trauma doesn’t only look like overt abuse. Sometimes it looks like never talking about hard things, walking on eggshells, or learning early on that keeping the peace mattered more than expressing needs.
Over time, guilt becomes the glue that holds those systems together.
When Guilt Turns Into People-Pleasing
One of the clearest patterns discussed in the episode is how guilt fuels people-pleasing.
The cycle often looks like this:
- You feel guilt when you consider honoring your needs
- You override yourself to avoid that guilt
- You help, show up, say yes, or stay quiet
- You feel resentment, exhaustion, or disconnection
- The guilt returns even stronger
Avoiding guilt doesn’t actually resolve it. It just teaches your nervous system that self-abandonment is safer than discomfort.
Boundaries Don’t Eliminate Guilt... At First
A hard truth: setting boundaries usually makes guilt louder before it makes it quieter.
Especially when:
- You’re the first in your family to set them
- The other person benefits from you not having them
- Guilt has been used (intentionally or not) as emotional leverage
Pearl emphasizes that boundaries require repetition. They’re not one-time conversations.
Cutting People Off vs. Sitting With Discomfort
The conversation also explores modern coping trends such ghosting, cutting people off, “protecting your peace.”
While distance is sometimes necessary (especially in abusive situations), avoidance can also be a way to escape guilt rather than work through it.
Unprocessed guilt doesn’t disappear when a relationship ends. It often just shows up somewhere else.
Warning Signs That Guilt Is Running the Show
Some signs that guilt (not values) is driving your decisions:
- You stay in relationships out of obligation, not desire
- You don’t feel safe being yourself around others
- You feel most at peace only when you’re alone
- You constantly worry about disappointing people
- Your choices feel like “shoulds” instead of wants
At its worst, chronic guilt can keep someone from ever fully meeting their authentic self.
So… What Do You Do With Guilt?
The first step isn’t fixing it. Just like with any other emotion we talk about here, it’s getting curious.
Ask yourself:
- Is this guilt mine to carry?
- What am I afraid will happen if I don’t act on it?
- Is this about responsibility or conditioning?
- Who benefits when I feel guilty?
Guilt often isn’t the core emotion. Underneath it may be fear, grief, anger, obligation, or the loss of approval.
When you stop fighting guilt and start listening to it, it becomes easier to tell whether it’s guiding you or controlling you.
About Pearl
Pearl Velasquez (she/her/ella) is a Licensed Professional Counselor and founder of Resilient Therapy PLLC serving clients across Texas and Colorado. As a Hispanic Latina therapist, Pearl brings a deeply personal lens to her work one shaped by lived experience, cultural awareness, and fierce compassion.
Her passion lies in supporting individuals navigating generational trauma, attachment challenges, relational difficulties, anxiety, depression, grief, and complex PTSD. Before launching her private practice, Pearl worked in shelters and crisis settings, served as a sexual assault therapist, led support groups for survivors, and coordinated cross-sector response efforts.
In each session, Pearl emphasizes collaboration, respect for cultural identity, and healing rooted in strength. Her goal is to help clients unearth resilience, build self-trust, and move forward with renewed agency and hope.
Follow on Instagram or learn more about her approach and journey at TherapyR.com (see “Who I Am & Why I Care”).
