When your mom is only a few hours away but feels like a lifetime apart, that’s the kind of loneliness we don’t talk about enough. The kind that lives in the silences, the small emotional betrayals, and the way your needs were never quite heard growing up.
In this conversation with aspiring therapist Rikki McNabb, we explore the quiet, complicated grief of being emotionally unseen by the person who was supposed to know you best.
The "Good Daughter" Mask
From a young age, many of us are socialized to be agreeable, obedient, and accommodating—especially in families where cultural or generational norms place a high value on respect and silence. Rikki talks about how she felt like the "good daughter" on the outside while carrying a deep loneliness on the inside.
"And when you're little and they don't know how to handle that, you just learn to internalize it. You're like, I'm going to keep the peace and be what mom needs. And then as an adult woman, you're like, actually, that's causing me more harm than good."
That pressure to stay small and agreeable? It doesn’t disappear. It mutates into people-pleasing, overachievement, or chronic self-doubt well into adulthood.
Naming Emotional Abuse (Even If It Hurts)
One of the most powerful parts of our conversation was Rikki’s moment of realization in therapy of what exactly she was experiencing. For so many, this can feel like betrayal. But naming it isn’t about casting blame. It’s about validating your experience.
"(My therapist) Pam was trying to politely and kindly tell me that my experiences with my parents were not normal. Nothing is normal. But she was like, trying to basically tell me... Emotionally abusive."
And the thing is, emotional abuse isn’t always yelling or insults. Sometimes it’s the cold shoulder, the passive-aggressive comments, or the way your needs were consistently dismissed.
Redefining What Parenting Means
"... I think all children inadvertently are asking to be led. Like when a child is yelling, when a child is crying, that is like a need they're expressing and don't know how. And if you have an adult that also doesn't know how is tenfold worse."
One of the biggest breakthroughs for Rikki came when she realized that parenting is actually more like leadership and how important it is to exhibit behaviors that you want to model to your children and want them to kind of take with them wherever they go in life.
Holding Complexity and Choosing Yourself
Healing doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Sometimes, the healthiest choice is accepting that a close relationship with a parent may never be possible and choosing to live fully anyway.
Rikki's advice? "Your mother has things that she needs to be accountable for that are not yours to own or work through. Focus on what you can control in something that is a tool for you is that yourself can comfort you, comfort the little kid, comfort the woman, whoever. Find that you can seek that comfort in yourself and just work and focus on what's yours to own."
It’s this balance of grief and compassion, understanding and boundaries that makes healing in mother-daughter dynamics so layered. But the clarity that comes with naming the pain? That’s freedom.
About Rikki McNabb
Rikki McNabb (she/her/hers) is a photographer, graphic designer, and multidisciplinary artist based in Austin, Texas. Currently studying Clinical Mental Health, she’s passionate about the art of healing and human connection, on both sides of the lens. Rikki explores the stories we tell ourselves and each other, blending visual storytelling with a deep curiosity for relationships, creativity, and growth.
Follow @rikkiraquel on Instagram or visit www.rikkiraquel.com for more.
