About Kelly Bullock
Kelly Bullock (he/him) was born in Williamsburg, Virginia and grew up mainly in Middletown, Rhode Island. He currently works in customer service for a jewelry company.
Can you recall a time in your life when you felt something deeply but didn’t know how (or didn’t feel allowed) to express it? What did that experience teach you about emotional expression as a man?
A vivid memory that I have is when a Muslim boy was being bullied when I was in middle school. I felt truly helpless, because I didn't think I was brave enough to stand up to the person bullying him. I went home and just cried to my parents non-stop because I did not know what else to do. This taught me that as a man that it is okay to cry, to be sad, to feel weak. It also taught me that expressing these emotions genuinely and openly don't make me more or less of a man, but instead they make me whole as a caring human being.
How have the messages you’ve received about masculinity shaped the way you understand and express your emotions today?
I like to think of myself as an anti-man or at least constantly fighting against what society tells me a man should be like. I never shy away from showing my feelings in ways that are considered not manly or make me less of a man. When I am sad, I cry. When I feel any emotion, I feel it to the fullest, regardless of how the world may judge me. Once my uncles told me that even if I am sad, I cannot show that emotion, while I respect my uncles so much, I reject this notion.
What are some subtle ways you've seen men around you express emotion, even when they wouldn't call it that?
The irony of the answer to my last question is that I have seen all of my uncles, my father and the young men that my father taught and coached, cry around me. Whether it is sports, death, or anything else, witnessing them show their feelings emboldens me to express my own when I feel them as well.
I don't think they recognize that being emotional contains all feelings. So when they would get angry and yell when their sports team loses, they are in fact being emotional. They just don't want to admit that it, because they attach the idea of "being emotional" with women.
Have there been moments in your relationships (romantic, platonic, or family) where the inability to name or share emotions caused distance or confusion?
Yes, I feel that the most usual instance is when I want to be honest with someone else and express my emotions with honesty but withhold it because I'm nervous or scared at the reaction I will receive from this honesty.
I think there is a healthy medium, and I think that we would all be much better off if we were more honest with how we feel.
I also think we can learn a lot from kids, who before they are tainted by the outside world, express their emotions constantly, freely, and unapologetically. Although it may result in more conflict or discomfort, I do believe that it would make the world a better place for everyone.
What helped you start recognizing your emotions for what they were, instead of defaulting to anger or detachment?
My father came from a military family where he experienced trauma and abuse. I believe that this made him want to give his children the space to be able to express themselves and create a type of safety for us that he never really had himself. He would cry in front of us often as a father, but also as a highschool teacher and coach.
He would tell me things like "I cry when the leaves change color," which he said often because he was trying to convey the concept that he is not afraid to share how he feels, even about the smallest of things. This ethos has guided me and is always in the back of my head whenever I am second guessing expressing myself.
If you could reframe the idea of emotional strength for men, what would it sound or look like to you?
Support, honesty, penance, forgiveness... I want men to not only be able to express their emotions honestly, but I want there to be a community of support so that they feel comfortable and loved when they do express that emotion.
And most importantly, I wish for men to express regret, make amends and forgive others and themselves. What a different and beautiful world that would be!
