About Brian Munoz
Brian Munoz (he/him) was born and raised in Austin, TX. He is the son of first generation immigrants from Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico. He has worked at Nutrabolt, a sports supplement company, for six years and he is currently an Innovation Project Manager. He's married, has two dogs, and has a lot of different interests from sewing, movies, sports, and many more.
What were some of the unspoken (or spoken) expectations you grew up with around success, identity, or emotional expression? And how did they shape the way you saw yourself?
I think reflecting on moments growing up, it felt like a lot of my good and bad moments came with acknowledgment but little understanding. So it felt like any success I had was somewhat expected due me receiving some acknowledgment of me achieving something or something being good, but not any deeper discussion or understanding of the work or effort behind it. Same thing with identity and emotional expression. It was acknowledged but hardly ever any conversations as to the why behind things. It would make me feel guilty for being sad or upset. I think that it made me lose confidence in my identity and feel like I was complex and interesting. More so, that I warranted interest in others to get to know me on a deeper level. Now, I feel like I fall into the trap of seeking approval or affirmation from others to provide value in myself.
Can you share a moment when you realized those expectations were affecting your relationships (whether with a partner, friend, or even yourself)?
I see it in myself very periodically. So it feels like I'm constantly living with it, and I do see it affect all of my relationships. I find myself asking a lot of affirming questions externally to others to get validation, vs being confident and finding it within myself. It becomes hard, because I can then tell others reach their limit and can only do so much. Then I start feeling like a burden and annoying and will let them lack of confidence affect how I am showing up for others.
How did you learn to differentiate between what your family or culture expected of you, and what you truly needed or wanted for yourself?
I think spending time with people from different culture, traveling, and therapy really helped me try and compartmentalize things and look at them objectively vs it being my full identity. Having conversations with others who are a bit more distant from their family or culture, but still show that those things are very important to them, helped me see that it is okay to be a bit more individualistic in my life journey.
Talking with my therapist and opening up about the inherent pressure I feel about needing to align or follow cultural expectations or examples, and how it weighed heavily on me in feeling like I do don't enough, or am not succeeding enough to feel like I am making good of the sacrifices my parent's made. Talking about those things helped me feel better about allowing myself to need some space or to create a bit of a different path.
Were there times when you felt guilt or shame for choosing a path that didn’t align with family expectations? How did you work through that?
Yes, I mean there were many. Big and small. Funny enough, the best thing that helped me work through those was having a conversation with my parents or family, or even friends about how I was feeling. Or at least try my best in expressing my feelings. Having those conversations was hard, and a lot of times, it took a while of me working through my feelings and understanding them and what I wanted. I always try and think through things before acting, sometimes to a fault, but in those instances I felt like it would allow me to express myself as best as I could.
In what ways did these cultural pressures influence how you show up in relationships today, especially in terms of communication, vulnerability, or confidence?
I have seen that it's mainly affected my confidence in myself. I live with what feels like a lot of doubt. That can affect how I communicate in not being sure about saying what I feel or need and end up making things confusing. It makes me doubt that what I feel or need is true, and worthy of time and attention. And so it will build up and then I'll burst and all my emotions can tend to come out, which inevitably make communicating, listening, and understanding harder. Especially in combination with people-pleasing tendencies, it results in me just beating myself up and being really hard on myself.
What would you say to someone who’s carrying the weight of cultural or familial expectations and struggling to trust their own voice?
I would tell them to be proud of your culture, and love the family you have because they in a way make you who you are. But do not let those things dictate your decisions when it comes to being happy and choosing how you want to lead your life in creating a future you can thrive in. Everyone inherits things from their parents, friends, partners, just like those people inherited things from others. So it takes awareness to understand that everyone is trying to be the best they can, but everyone is human and will also fail. Learning from both your and other peoples wins and loses, will give you more freedom and independence to take on life confidently.
