Written by Rae Thomas, MA, LPC
In recent years, there’s been a lot of talk about how to be a good ally to those that are part of marginalized and underrepresented groups. I’ve felt overwhelmed trying to figure out what all I need to read, say, do, or not do, in order to show up for others in a way that feels supportive.
As a therapist especially, I feel the pressure to recognize my blind spots, so that I don’t end up perpetuating stigmas and harming the people that have chosen to come to me for help.
Real talk though… I can’t read every book. I’m not an expert on allyship, nor do I see that in my future. I manage the daily fires in front of me, making it feel impossible to find time for an allyship course load.
But I’ve got a hot take:
You don’t need to be an expert or know it all in order to be a good ally.
Going to school to become a therapist is weird. Yes, you read textbooks, take exams, learn theories and what not. But more so, you learn how to show up in a room with a complete stranger and help them. You learn how to ‘be’ so that this other person can hopefully thrive. When I sit down and really think about it, this feels like a core piece of being an ally. Learning how to show up in the world with complete strangers and help them thrive.
So, this is for the humans that want to be better allies, but may not have the space to read or consume all the information that’s out there.
Here are the things that I have personally learned about being a good therapist that also help me to be a better ally:
Disclaimer: Don’t use this as stand in for actual professional training. You are not a therapist after reading this, but you are more informed and that’s still just as cool.
Remain Curious At All Times
Lesson Number One: You know nothing about what it’s like to be another human. Through school we talked extensively about countertransference and how to place our own experiences outside of the therapy office.
It’s hard to help others when your own sh*t gets in the way! Imagine your therapist insisting your ‘mommy issues’ are the root cause of your struggles, when in reality you feel like it’s actually more about your experiences at school.
Similarly, it would feel crappy to have an ‘ally’ claim to know what is challenging for you, when in reality that’s not what you find challenging at all. Making assumptions about others experiences silences their reality.
Instead, get curious… about it all! Get curious about the challenges they face as well as the joys they experience. Ask what it’s like for them when they see hate speech or when the building isn’t accessible for their needs. And remember that their experience is also just that. No person can speak for a whole group, what one might feel may not be what another feels. So remain curious for every person you meet. Ask out of love and curiosity, and respect if they don’t wish to share.
People Know What They Need To Thrive
It was such a world shift to me when I learned the lesson in school that my job was not to know what was best for my client. I saw therapists as an ‘authority’ on what I should do or how I should exist. Instead, a therapist’s job is to help people get clear about what they feel would be best for them.
A therapist helps you find your way to the answers you already have. Because at the end of the day, I’m not you (see lesson number one above) and as a therapist, I can only offer ideas on what you might need. Ultimately, only you can say for sure.
We can take this same perspective out into the day-to-day world. Let people be their own experts on what they need. Give space for others to voice their perspectives and ask for changes. Create conversations where others can explore options for what they need. Listen. Listen as if you were a therapist, without bias or judgement. Then, you can then support them by advocating for those changes or needs they have already communicated.
All Values Are Valid
And I do truly mean it when I say ALL.
I’m sure there’s a few of us that just came up with a bunch of reasons why that cannot be true. It’s ok, I get it! Take a deep breath and hear me out. Values are core principles that we want to live our life by. They represent the things that feel most important to us.
As a therapist (and one that is in love with all things ACT), values can be an incredible tool to help clients feel more fulfilled and just downright happier in their lives. Key aspect: there is no universal life structure that leads to happiness. Every human is different in what makes them feel joy and purpose.
Figuring out what you uniquely value is how you figure out what a fulfilling life looks like for you. But the ‘core’ piece is important. These are things that are important in and of themselves, not just means to an end. Example: someone might say money is important to them. If you asked what money gives them, they may say freedom, security, or opportunity. Money is not the core value. Freedom, security or opportunity is.
If we all sat down and gained clarity on our true core values, I think we’d have a much harder time arguing against each other or dismissing others perspectives. If you find others’ core values don’t align with yours, stay curious, explore (in conversation or internal reflection) why they view that as important for their life. Then, get creative.
How can their values exist alongside yours where both feel supported and validated? How can we give space for every person to find joy and purpose in their lives?
You Won’t Always Nail It
Therapists are human. Humans screw up. Therapists screw up. Therapists learn how to own the screw up, learn from it, and keep going. I vividly remember the first time I said something in a session that did not land well. I was mortified, I could tell immediately that what I had said had caused hurt and mistrust. I did’t know what to do, I clumsily moved past it in the session and just didn’t address it.
During my class that evening, my professor brought up the moment (professors watch baby therapists sessions from behind a one way mirror, weird I know!) and we discussed as a class. I was mortified all over again, but I learned the importance of owning it and addressing it head on.
In the next session, I did just that. I apologized for what I had said and asked how that moment felt for my client. They talked it through, diving deeper into their feels than they had before. Then they thanked me (uhm… what?!). “People say things like that to me a lot, but they never come back and apologize. I don’t expect people to always get it right, but I would like them to try to learn from how they got it wrong, that means a lot more to me.”
Allies are human. Humans screw up. Allies screw up. Allies own their screw ups, give room for other’s feelings, learn from it, and do better moving forward.
Keep Showing Up
As I ventured into my first real therapist job at a residential treatment center, I picked up on a common sentiment in our supervision: “Your job is to be stronger than your clients struggles.”
No matter how messy things got, how much the clients felt their lives were falling apart, how challenging therapy became, the message was to keep showing up for our clients and trudging through the mess to help them live the life they truly want.
Before sessions that I knew may be particularly rough or uncomfortable, I would remind myself that for me, this is just an hour, for my client, this is their life. I will show up and help hold the struggle with my client. I will show up and help ease the struggle for my client. I will keep showing up so that my client is not alone in this struggle.
Keep looking forward, no matter how many setbacks we experience. Keep speaking up, no matter how hard others try to silence. Keep fighting, no matter how much it seems we’ve lost. As an ally, help others hold the struggle even when it gets really really hard.
Keep.
Showing.
Up.
My hope is that these perspectives help those overwhelmed by what to do find some traction in beginning to do even the small things. That being said, I do my best to head my own advice. I am only an expert in me. My thoughts about what it means to be a good ally are from my own experience and are subject to change as I grow and learn from those around me.
Think being a good ally means something different? Let’s get curious and talk about it.
