Trauma impacts the way we show up in relationships, often in ways we don’t fully realize. Whether it's emotional reactivity, struggles with intimacy, or difficulties with communication, unhealed trauma can shape how we connect with others.
Moe Ari Brown, LMFT (he/they) shares insights on how trauma can manifest in relationships and offers tangible strategies for your healing and growth.
Take the hit tv-series This is Us for example. The show beautifully explores intergenerational trauma, grief, and how past experiences shape relationships. Randall's struggles with anxiety and Beth & Randall’s approach to couples therapy resonate with the themes of self-awareness and communication.
What Is Trauma and How Does It Affect Relationships?
Many people associate trauma with major life events like war or abuse, but trauma is broader than that. Moe defines it as “an event or events that change your life, your frame of thinking, or your way of being in the world.” This means that anything from childhood experiences to relationship betrayals can shape the way we navigate emotional connections.
Trauma often shows up in relationships through:
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Emotional reactivity – Feeling defensive or triggered by seemingly small things.
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Fear of vulnerability – Struggling to open up or trust others.
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Hyper-vigilance – Constantly scanning for threats or assuming the worst.
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Avoidance of intimacy – Pulling away emotionally or physically.
Moe emphasizes that even if trauma isn’t directly discussed in therapy, it’s always shaping who we are and how we interact with our partners.
Breaking Trauma Patterns: Where to Start
Healing from trauma within a relationship requires awareness, intentionality, and communication. Here are some first steps to consider:
1. Build Self-Awareness
Recognizing how trauma influences your reactions is key. If you find yourself shutting down or reacting strongly to certain situations, pause and reflect. Journaling about your emotions or physical responses can help identify patterns. Cue our Body Sensations Wheel.
2. Communicate with Your Partner
Moe stresses the importance of looping your partner in. If discussing past trauma feels overwhelming, start small.
You might say, “I’m realizing that how I grew up makes it hard for me to express my emotions, but I’m working on it.” Giving your partner context allows them to support you better.
3. Reevaluate Boundaries
Many trauma survivors set rigid boundaries as a form of self-protection. While boundaries are essential, Moe encourages revisiting them over time. “Boundaries should serve our relationships, not shut people out,” he explains. Ask yourself: Is this boundary protecting me, or is it keeping me from deeper connection?
4. Seek Professional Support
Trauma work often requires individual therapy in addition to couples therapy. A therapist can help you unpack past experiences and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
The Intersection of Trauma, Identity, and Relationships
For LGBTQ+ individuals, people of color, and other marginalized groups, trauma often intersects with societal stigma and discrimination. Many individuals in these communities face unique challenges that compound personal trauma, such as family rejection, racial profiling, workplace bias, or healthcare disparities. These external pressures can shape internalized beliefs about self-worth, love, and safety in relationships.
Moe highlights the importance of “re-authoring your narrative” by challenging the messages you’ve internalized about your worth and relationships.
This involves recognizing societal conditioning that may have led you to believe you are undeserving of healthy love, emotional safety, or visibility. It’s about shifting from survival mode—where avoidance and hyper-vigilance are common—to a place of self-acceptance and empowered connection.
Re-authoring your narrative can look like:
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Affirming your right to love and be loved – Replacing negative self-talk with affirmations that reinforce your inherent worth.
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Surrounding yourself with affirming relationships – Seeking friendships, partnerships, and community spaces that celebrate and uplift you.
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Advocating for your needs – Clearly communicating boundaries and expectations in relationships, even when societal norms may have taught you to stay silent.
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Embracing joy and pleasure – Prioritizing self-care and experiences that bring happiness, rather than feeling guilty for seeking fulfillment.
Moe emphasizes that healing is both an internal and external process. Therapy, peer support, and community engagement can all play vital roles in helping individuals reclaim their narratives and build healthier relationships rooted in authenticity and self-love.
Final Thoughts: Moving Toward Healing Together
Healing from trauma within a relationship isn’t about “fixing” yourself—it’s about growing in awareness and creating a foundation of mutual support. Moe reminds us that self-love and self-trust are essential: “When we feel grounded in ourselves, we bring that security into our relationships.”
If you’re beginning this journey, take a deep breath. Healing takes time, but with patience, communication, and the right tools, you can cultivate a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and deeply connected.
About Moe Ari Brown, LMFT (he/they)
Moe Ari is a dynamic Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, the Love and Connection Expert for the dating app Hinge, Co-host of the Be Your Own Love Goals Podcast, former adjunct professor, and 2023 TEDx speaker. With over ten years of experience, Moe Ari specializes in helping couples and individuals heal from past traumas to build authentic and fulfilling relationships. Moe Ari is a member of the board of It Gets Better and SimplePractice Customer Advisory Board. As a Black Transgender Man and LGBTQIA+ advocate, Moe Ari empowers people to live authentically, fostering lives rooted in belonging and unconditional love.
Still Curious?
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Learn more about Moe
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Learn more about It Gets Better
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Connect on Instagram
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Listen to Moe’s podcast: Be Your Own Love Goals
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Watch the full interview on YouTube
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Listen to the full interview on Spotify
