Written by Alexandra Dawson
Picture this: You’re crying into your oat milk latte, blasting Taylor Swift like it’s a religious experience, and re-reading old texts you know you should’ve deleted. Breakups suck. Big time. And yet, no one prepares us for the kind of grief that comes with losing someone who’s still very much alive—just… not in your life anymore.
Enter Carla Avalos, LCSW, PMH-C (she/her/ella), a licensed therapist and breakup grief specialist (yes, it’s a thing). She’s seen it all—romantic breakups, friendship fallouts, even family estrangements. And according to her, healing is less about "moving on” and more about learning to live with the loss.
So, let’s talk about the messy, painful, confusing WTF do I do now part of heartbreak—and how to actually heal.
Why Breakups Feel Like Real Grief (Because They Are)
Pop culture makes it seem like breakups only come with two possible reactions:
Option A: You’re thriving in a montage sequence, glowing up, and blocking his number.
Option B: You’re a human puddle, eating ice cream straight from the tub while your friends drag you outside for "fresh air."
But in reality? Breakup grief is real grief, and not just something that you can tie up into an hour and half rom-com where you quickly experience and process your emotions, heal, and learn that your soulmate is just a coffee shop visit away.
The Hard Truth of Breakups and Loss
According to Carla: “When you lose a loved one for whatever reason, it’s absolutely awful. But there’s some form of closure—funerals, cultural traditions, rituals. But with a breakup, you’re left navigating everyday life knowing that person is still out there… except they’re no longer a part of your life. That’s the hard part—coexisting in the same world with someone you no longer have contact with.” Oof. Read that again.
And it’s not just about romance—friendship breakups, cutting off toxic family members, and even walking away from a job or a dream can leave you with the same kind of loss.
“The future piece is what seems to be triggering the most—realizing that they or that thing will no longer be a part of my future.” It’s literally heartbreaking. Yet society doesn’t give us the space to feel the emotions that come up.
But the reality is that version of your life is gone. Forever. And that’s a LOT to process.
The "I Can’t" Phase: The Part Where Everything Feels Impossible
If you’re fresh out of a breakup, you’ve probably had thoughts like:
✅ I can’t believe I’ll never talk to them again.
✅ I can’t imagine my life without them.
✅ I feel like I can’t breathe.
These thoughts are normal—but they can also trap you in the cycle of grief. Carla sees this all the time: “Whether the breakup was mutual or not, it’s heavy. And I think the hardest part is that we don’t talk about this kind of grief enough.”
What doesn’t help (even if our brain says otherwise)?
🚩 Social media stalking. (“Just block them, bestie. Trust me.”)
🚩 Reaching out ‘just to check in.’ (You’re hoping they’ll change their mind, and deep down, you know it.)
🚩 Telling yourself you should be over it by now. (There’s no timeline. Healing isn’t a linear process, no matter what TikTok self-help says.)
Carla goes on to say that she requests that her clients: “Limit their contact. This is their time to heal.” Step away from their Instagram stories, updates, and snapchats. Mute the texts, notifications, and stop sharing your location if you need to detach from them virtually. Our lives can be just as intertwined online as they are IRL (in real life).
Then comes the most important question that everyone is eager to know the answer to… And Carla gets this question ALL the time.
How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup? (A.K.A. The Answer You’ll Hate)
The real answer? It depends. “This isn’t something you just ‘get over.’ You have to learn to move forward with it. There will be periods where you don’t think about them as much, but grief has no expiration date.” And that’s the part no one wants to hear. Acceptance is brutal. Acceptance is raw, uncomfortable, and real. But here’s the thing—while you can’t go back in time, force a different outcome, or magically make it all better, there’s something you need to be reminded of. And this subtle shift in your mindset is powerful.
Because here’s the thing: “We can put ALL the work into a relationship, go to counseling, read every communication book, devote ourselves to someone, and cross our fingers and hope for the best. But at the end of the day, we also need someone who is willing to do the work, too.” You can’t love someone into loving you back. Read that again. Relationships require two actively participating people.
The ‘Internal Review’ Phase: Your Glow-Up Era Begins
Okay, so if we can’t love another person into loving us, what do you do? Carla swears by something she calls the "internal review process." (Yes, like an investigation… but on yourself.)
So grab your magnifying glass and put your Detective investigator hats on.
Step 1: Ask yourself how your body felt in the relationship
- Q: Did you constantly feel anxious?
- Q: Were you walking on eggshells?
- Q: Did you think those butterflies were love when they were actually low-key anxiety?
According to Carla, “Once clients start reflecting, they realize—wait, I didn’t actually feel safe or secure. That’s when the shift happens.”
Step 2: Decide what you actually want in a relationship
- Safe, secure, fulfilling—not just exciting and dramatic.
- Someone who meets your needs, not just “checks all the right boxes.”
- Everyone is unique and has different desires and needs when it comes to what we want in a relationship. Take some time to get clear on what you are looking for in your next relationship.
Step 3: Start showing up for yourself the way you wanted them to show up for you
- Take yourself out on a date- or two, or three, or even make it a habit.
- Pour into your friendships.
- Do all the hobbies you ignored for them.
“I booked a solo trip to Thailand after my last breakup. It was healing in more ways than one” Carla notes. Your version of her Thailand trip might be a solo Netflix night, an axe throwing class, or a daily walk along the beach. The point? You don’t need them to create new memories. You are capable of living life full of joy all on your own.
Breakups Are a Choice. So Is Healing
Here’s the mic-drop moment: Every relationship is a choice.
Carla reminds us all that: “Every day, we choose our person. And it’s okay to change your mind when that person no longer aligns with us.”
Because even when the breakup wasn’t your choice, your healing is.
Instead of:
❌ “Why wasn’t I enough?” → ✅ “What kind of love do I deserve?”
❌ “What could I have done differently?” → ✅ “How do I show up better in my next relationship?”
Your worth isn’t determined by who stays. It’s determined by how you show up for and love yourself.
Resources for Your Healing Era
✨ Your healing era starts now. ✨ If you’re navigating breakup grief, know this—you’re not alone, AND you will get through this. Give yourself permission to feel, grieve, and grow. And when you’re ready, take that first step toward healing.
💡Feeling like you need extra support? Carla recommends:
📖 How to Fix a Broken Heart – Guy Winch
📖 Good Vibes, Good Life – Vex King
Your Story Isn’t Over. You’re Just in the Messy Middle
If you’re deep in breakup grief, it might feel like you’ll never get through it. But know this. You will. We all do. And if you’re trudging through the messy middle of your “rom-com”, trust that the plot will eventually unfold. Until then, show up for yourself the way you wish someone else would.”
💬 Have a healing strategy that worked for you? Drop it in the comments! Because surviving a breakup is less lonely when we do it together. 💕
About Carla Avalos, LCSW, PMH-C (she/her/ella)
Carla is a bilingual Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in Los Angeles, CA.
In private practice, she provides individual therapy and couples therapy to those who are experiencing a variety of emotional challenges related to attachment issues, childhood trauma, communication difficulties, depression, grief and loss, relationship issues, multi-generational and racial trauma, family conflict , life transitions and women with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. She is also deeply passionate about working with individuals from underserved communities, an ally to the LGBTQIA+ and individuals who identify as BIPOC and Latinx. She is trained as a Level 3 Gottman Method Couples Therapist and she is certified as a Perinatal Mental Health provider through Postpartum Support International.
Her approach in therapy is to use eclectic methods to gain a thorough understanding of an individual's most urgent needs: trauma informed, solution focused, interpersonal psychotherapy, motivational interviewing and cognitive behavioral techniques.
Still Curious?
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Learn more about Carla Avalos
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Connect on Instagram @nuevoscaminostherapy
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Watch the full interview on YouTube
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Listen to the full interview on Spotify
