Written by Rae Thomas
At 5 years old, I remember feeling dizzy. What, maybe now, we would call vertigo.
In bed trying to fall asleep at night, my brain going wild. Back then it wasn’t worries as I know them now, it was stories. Mostly of mundane happenings, the conversations I might have tomorrow, what we’d play on the playground. I would walk myself through how things might play out in these everyday scenarios, over and over and over again.
And then I would feel it, like the whole bedroom got turned upside down and I ended up on the ceiling… that wasn’t part of the story. My heart skipped a beat, I felt like I lost my breath and in another instant I was fine. I ended up confused, and just continuing to tell myself stories until I fell asleep.
I would notice it again when I started middle school. Strutting into the cafeteria with the very bold, very early aughts coded punk outfit.
I chose that day and in an instant, all eyes on me. The ceiling met my feet again, heart racing. I thought if I moved I would surely trip and make an even bigger fool of myself. So I stood there paralyzed, until the cafeteria returned to its regular bustle and I was able to catch my breath.
These moments would happen every now and again my whole life, sometimes in the most mundane situations while others happening in the midst of a crisis.
Anxiety was not something I knew I had. Anxiety was not a word I recognized, though my body certainly understood it. I didn’t realize these moments were anxiety until much later.
Like, until graduate school Diagnosis and Assessment class. I recall connecting the dots, having my own ‘HOLY SHIT’ moment. I’d had anxiety the whole time. It made the other mental health struggles of my teens make a hell of a lot more sense.
I wasn’t just hormonal, I was struggling to figure out how to manage the constant buzzing I felt in my brain and my body. I wasn’t just vain and being rigid with food, I was finding a coping skills to numb the ever present worry.
Also, at least partly, explains why I woke up at 5am every morning while by peers were sleeping until noon. Anyone else get really good about occupying themselves on early mornings at sleepovers?!
Many a therapy session have been spent daydreaming about how things would have gone had I been in a household that talked about feelings more. Not always helpful, I know. Everything happens for a reason. Yeah ok, but also, can you imagine?!
Can you imagine growing up learning about what it feels like in your body when you feel scared or uncomfortable? Imagine then being able to apply that insight when you’re in your 20’s at a sketchy bar.
Can you imagine learning skills to calm your body as a kid and then putting those skills to work before a licensing exam for your profession?
Can you imagine being so in tune with your hunger and fullness cues that no diet would even come close to destroying your intuitive eating patterns?
What I am NOT saying is: helping kids learn about their body sensations and emotions is going to give them the perfect mentally stable life.
What I AM saying is: helping kids learn about their body sensations and emotions will give them tools to be resilient in the face of life shit and mental health woes.
*This is exemplary of my own personal experience with anxiety. Everyone’s anxiety can present differently and impact them in a multitude of ways. Please reach out to a professional if you or someone you know may be struggling with their mental health.
