Written by Alexandra Dawson
Ever feel like you're trapped in a time loop with your bestie, partner, or parents? You know the one—where you have the exact same argument for the 500th time, and you're both just...stuck? Meet your new relationship superpower: mentalization.
Wait, Mental-What Now?
Before you close this tab, thinking it's just another therapy buzzword—trust me, this one's actually useful AF. And according to Shelly Simpson, LCSW, mentalization expert, you're probably already doing it without even knowing it has a name.
"Mentalization is the ability to stop and take perspective of what's going on. Why might Ray be acting in that way? What might she be thinking or feeling when she raised her voice earlier in that meeting?"
It's basically curiosity on steroids—imagining what's happening in someone else's head without immediately jumping to conclusions. And it could be the key to avoiding those exhausting relationship loops we all find ourselves stuck in.
The "Yes-And" Queen 👑
Shelly Simpson didn't start out as a mentalization guru. In fact, her career began with... a Google search.
"I was Googling one night on my computer… ➡️ 'You might be good at social work.'"
Flash forward to today, and she's directing at Ellenhorn and running AMBIT (Adaptive Mentalization-Based Integrative Treatment), a system she describes as "designed around mentalization" that values "secure attachment, creativity, curiosity, coming from...non-assumptions."
✨The Golden Rule That Changes Everything✨
While training at the prestigious Menninger Clinic, Shelly learned what's become her North Star: "In order to mentalize someone, you have to first believe them."
This hits different from the typical "they're just overreacting" or "they're just being really difficult" thoughts that pop into our heads during conflicts. Instead of dismissing, you start by believing their experience is real- even if it's different from yours.
When You're Caught in Your Feelings but Can't Name Them
We've all been there before— something feels terrible and off, but when someone asks us the dreaded “what's wrong”, all we can say is "I don't want to do this" or "I'm fine" (when we're clearly not).
Shelly has a three-question mental health hack for these moments:
"What are you feeling? What tools do you need? And who can you call on?"
But here's where it gets a bit more interesting. When a client says "I don't want to do that," Shelly doesn't correct them or push, instead, she leans in:
- She validates ("You don't want to do that")
- She asks "What does that mean?"
- She follows their answer to find the actual feeling hiding underneath
It's Not All Deep Dives and Therapy Speak
Let's be real—sometimes you need coping skills/ relief NOW, not a deep psych analysis of your trauma. And Shelly gets this: "We often value that deeper work more than that foundational work...but being able to help people with this really foundational stuff is so important."
Her reality check?
"It's not helpful in times of crisis...You don't stop and think about what's going on in the mind of a tiger licking their lips and creeping towards you. You just get to safety. You get out of the cage."
Translation: When you're having a panic attack, forget mentalization—just reach for your grounding techniques:
- Box breathing (4 counts in, hold 4, out 4, hold 4)
- The 5-4-3-2-1 sensory check-in (5 things you see, 4 things you touch, etc.)
- Physical anchors (press your feet into the floor, hold an ice pack, sip cold water)
The "Actually Works IRL" Test
Mentalization isn't just therapist talk, research shows it can rival DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) for helping people regulate emotions in relationships. It's perfect for those recurring arguments where you both end up saying, "We've been here before."
When to use it:
- ✅ Recurring fights with your roommate about dishes
- ✅ Family holiday tensions you can predict like clockwork
- ✅ That weird vibe with your work friend you can't figure out
When to skip it:
- ❌ Middle of a panic attack
- ❌ Active crisis situations
- ❌ When basic safety needs aren't met
3 Ways to Start Mentalizing Today
1. Become a (Respectful) People-Watcher
"Pick a person...'I wonder what brought them here today.'"
Next time you're in a coffee shop, imagine different stories about the people around you—without deciding any one story is definitely right. This builds your "maybe they're not just being a jerk" muscle.
2. Assumption Check
When triggered, pause and ask: "What assumption am I making right now?" Then brainstorm other possibilities.
Maybe your friend isn't ignoring your texts because they're mad—maybe their phone died, they're having an anxiety day, or they're stuck in back-to-back meetings.
3. The "Yes-And" Approach
Instead of shutting down someone's experience, validate and build: "You don't want to do the dishes." ➡️ "Totally what about it stresses you? Let's unpack that."
The "Magic Fix" Red Flag
In a world of "This ONE thing will fix your mental health!" clickbait, Shelly keeps laughing and keeps it real: "If someone's telling you, 'This is all you need' or 'This is what will work'— they are not telling you the truth."
Mental health is complex, and sometimes you need a mix of skills and approaches, basic grounding skills, relationship tools like mentalization, and occasionally some deeper work.
The Mentalization Revolution Starts With You
Let's be honest—we're all exhausted from the endless cycle of misunderstandings, assumption spirals, and those fights that never actually resolve anything. What if the key to breaking free isn't another app, another self-help book, or even another therapy session?
✨What if it's just... getting curious?✨
From that initial late-night Google search to becoming a "gold star social worker," Shelly Simpson's journey is little reminder that the transformation often begins with something deceptively simple: *believing someone else's reality before dismissing it.*
"In order to mentalize someone, you have to first believe them." That's it. That's the revolutionary act.
In a world where we're quick to judge, block, and cancel, mentalization offers a radical alternative—the power to pause, get curious, and consider that maybe, just maybe, there's more to the story than what our triggered brains first tell us. And the best part? You can start right now, with your next text, your next conversation, your next disagreement. No expensive course required.
Want to dive deeper into mentalization and join others who are tired of having the same arguments on repeat?
Subscribe to the Feelings Found newsletter for more expert interviews, bite-sized mentalization exercises, and behind-the-scenes with Shelly's YesAnd.com community. Join the conversation and start bringing curiosity into your next interaction—no certification required, just an open mind.
TL;DR
- Mentalization = getting curious about what's happening in other people's minds (and your own)
- Start by believing others' experiences instead of dismissing them
- Use it for recurring relationship drama, not acute crises
- Don't fall for "one-size-fits-all" mental health solutions
Next time you're stuck in that same old argument, pause and get curious. You might just break the loop for good.
About Shelley Simpson (she/her)
Shelly Simpson, LCSW, is Clinical Director and Director of AMBIT at Ellenhorn, LLC. She specializes in attachment, interpersonal relationship difficulties, and mentalization, with expertise in helpling teams build secure, supportive relationships through the use of mentalization. Shelly holds a BSW and MSW, and completed a postgraduate Psychodynamic fellowship.
