And the reality is, most people's holidays are messy. Even if we cherish twinkle lights and laughs around a dinner table, the mess is there. Sucks, no magical wish will solve the mess in this story. In life, you either get messy trying to deal with it or you get messy trying to avoid it. As the mess approaches, I have to dig deep to the memories of my hardest therapy sessions and remind myself how to move through the mess. Figured I’d give them a share this year, cheers.
Accept the mess
Manage those expectations sunshine. There will be spats, spills, and side-eye without a doubt. Take a moment to reflect (journal club, it’s your time to shine) on 3 scenarios for the holiday: the best case, worst case, and most likely case. I find it easiest to do in the order listed, which helps me realize that the most likely is usually a mix of best and worst-case scenarios.
Be intentional about your attendance
Make it a game
This is by far my favorite holiday hack! Alright, we’ve decided that going to said gathering is not enjoyable per se but is the right move. Now, how do we make this experience at least a little bit less miserable? Make up a game! How many times can you work Avocado into the conversation? Make a bet with a support person about how many times Grandpa will do his ‘old man cough’. Play hide and seek with tiny plastic ducks. Let your creativity run wild with this one!
Re-assess what’s your responsibility
Everyone say it together: “OTHERS' EMOTIONS ARE NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY”. This doesn’t mean you get to be an a-hole (leave those comments for therapy hun), but it does mean that if Mom is upset because insert reason here, you don’t need to bend over backward to make her feel better. Take accountability for your own actions, be clear and kind with your boundaries, compromise when possible, offer compassion when they’re hurt, and then keep moving forward. Sometimes we disappoint people, and that’s ok.
Identify your non-negotiables
When schedules start to go awry, we tend to abandon our most effective coping skills, the things we do every day that keep our brain and our body ready for whatever comes. These are things like drinking enough water, sufficient sleep, maybe it’s moving your body regularly, or meditating for at least 5 minutes. Maybe it’s even getting to read your secret romance novel. Reflect on the things you do regularly that help support your brain and body, then decide what you have to commit to no matter how messy your schedule is. I’ve found this especially helpful for traveling. Even if it’s a 10-minute dance session in the bathroom, I’ve gotta move my body regularly to manage anxiety.
Have an exit plan
Like any good spy hero, you should always have an exit plan. Not just for exiting the party, but also for exiting conversations or situations that you didn’t sign up for. If you’re going to an event with someone else, decide on your signal for when it’s time to leave. Maybe a long drawn-out look, maybe you’ve got a code word, another chance to have fun with it! It’s also helpful to practice exiting a topic of conversation. Don’t want to dive into your latest breakup, figure out your line when Aunt Debbie asks how you two have been, something like… “Oh that ended, but I’d rather spend this time focusing on more joyful things, can I tell you about my latest hike?” or “Haha yeah no not good, but how are you?!”.
The holidays are a mixed bag for most of us. I’m still excited about the mixed bag this year, I always will be! Because at the end of the day, I still love home-cooked feasts, festive lights, and gathering with people that I care about (even if they annoy me 😂). I know I’m not the only one who has figured out how to deal with the holiday mess, reach out with your favorite holiday hacks!
