Written by Rae Thomas

I had a client one time describe me as “compassionate, but with no bullshit”. I laughed really hard, hadn’t gotten that one before! But as I’ve sat with that description, it really fits for me. Before the series Shrinking came on the scene, therapists were depicted in the media in a way that I definitely didn’t vibe with.

Few words.

Crossed legs with pen and paper ready.

Obligatory cardigan uniform.

The “how does that make you feel?”

Yuck (imo). Too sterile. Too boring. Too… not how I show up in the world at all. That sounded miserable, to have to show up as a version of myself that wasn’t even close to the authentic me.

Thankfully, my mentors (and my own therapists) have shown me that being a good therapist doesn’t have to look like that. It can be REAL, it can be honest, it can be swearing and sarcasm and laughter. It can look more like, well, it can look like compassion, with no bullshit.

Wondering what that sounds like? Here are a few top hits from my no bullshit therapist playlist:

"Society doesn’t give a shit about you."

It’s easy to get caught in the trap of what society thinks or what society values. It gets fed to us through tv, news, social media, and then it can spread like the latest low rise jeans trend (can we not please?).

The messages that get sent to us usually aren’t the most helpful - teeth aren’t white enough, body is wrong, you drive the wrong car, or your relationship doesn’t fit the norm.

Then we stress about what others will think, others silent judgements, whispers behind closed doors.

The reality is though, society doesn’t give a shit about you, your values, your wellbeing, or what is best for you. The next ad that pulls at your pocket book or post that calls you out, remember they’re posting it for THEIR benefit, not yours.

"You’re the problem."

Therapy can sometimes be a little, echo-chambery, if that makes sense. You go in and share your perspective, your feelings, your thoughts about a situation where there’s likely other people involved, yet they never get to say their piece. So it can be easy for a therapist to side with you, say the other person is the asshole, they need to change. 

But the truth is… sometimes YOU are the asshole.

And I take my job as providing an objective safe space for exploration really seriously, which means sometimes I need to tell you when you fucked up. Or when your patterns are contributing to a relationship breakdown. Or when your avoidance is the root of your unfulfilling life.

Because otherwise, how are things going to change?!

As a therapist, I’ve committed to never lying. So if you asked me if you’re in the wrong? Rest assured, I’ll tell you, and I’ll hold space for how shitty that feels after.

"Can we talk about why you love self-destructing?"

You’d never say it that way of course. You’d maybe describe it as I can’t stop myself from doing X, or, this always happens to me.

Radical belief here: any bad habit/pattern you have is serving you in some way. Even if it makes your life harder on the surface.

Giving time to romantic partners that you know aren’t your vibe? Really good way to avoid deeper connections. 

Quiet quitting at your job to the point of getting fired? Fabulous for not having to make a decision you might regret.

Impulse buying yourself into a maxed out credit card? Never go a day without a dopamine hit from your shopping.

It’s crucial you get real with yourself about WHY you do the things you do, and naming the benefits of that behavior is a good start. Me calling you out for loving those shit patterns? Well it will certainly give you a different perspective when you do it the next time.

"Newsflash, you don’t live there anymore."

If your past is not riddled with trauma… are you human?!

Listen, we’ve all been through some horrendous shit. Moving on from those terrible moments can be really hard. And even if you don’t think about it or even talk about it anymore, are you responding to your now like it was your then?

I’m a BIG advocate for diving into past trauma, re-telling your story (if that feels beneficial) or generally going ‘back’ and letting yourself feel all the feels from that time. Traumatic events often don’t allow the space for that at the time…. BUT. We’ve gotta remember that the past is in the past. You don’t live in that time and space anymore! You live here, NOW. Of course those events impact you now, they are a part of your story, but if you live out your life like the past is still happening… then it will feel like the past is your present.

All very wordy, all very meta, i know I know. #protip! Remember those old school pro’s and con’s lists? Try the same format with Then and Now. Highlighting those differences can help pull us out of our brains and into what our lives actually are.

"You did the work, I just sat here."

I love praise. I said it. I’m not supposed to, as a therapist, but I’m human, so I do. It feels really fucking good when a client tells me how helpful our sessions have been, how much something I said impacted their life, how they can see the changes happening because of our work. And as much as I love it, I really can only take so much credit for that.

In reality, 99% of my sessions involve me just sitting. That’s it. I sit, I listen, sometimes I say cool shit, sometimes i say nothing. Mostly, I sit (my back does not love this haha).

After our hour is up, I go on to the next client and keep sitting. You are the one that goes back to living your life. You are the one responsible for making changes, doing things different, and showing up again next week. While I am taking lunch breaks, drinking at happy hour and living my own life, you are living yours and making it into the one you want to live and thrive in. Own that!

The progress you make in your life is because of YOU, for better or worse no one else can do it for you. So when people praise me (and I secretly am eating it up) I always remind them, I really didn’t do shit. I just sat here.

OK, let's wrap this up, because I've got a session soon TBH...

No bullshit doesn’t mean hurtful, it doesn’t mean not caring or no space for empathy. For me, it just means real. Past the fluff and saying things just to make you feel good.

Opposite actually. It’s naming things that at first probably make you feel bad, so you can let that shit go and feel good! This approach seems to land better for a good chunk of humans. It lands better for myself. Any person selling me sunshine and rainbows is getting ignored because NOTHING is just sunshine and rainbows.

If therapy isn’t your jam, no stress, bring that compassion with no bullshit vibe into your friendships and with yourself. You can also always find it with Feelings Found too, our no bullshit way of thinking isn’t going anywhere :)